My Photo
Blog powered by Typepad
Member since 03/2007

My nightstand

Pregnancy loss /Infertility blogs I like to read

« Zuni bear is my co-pilot and B.ush is not a Texan | Main | Caution: This is an evil, low, mean-spirited, petty post. »

July 26, 2007



My MIL wants to buy us a bassinet. I looked at some at a store Monday evening and felt excited and very brave for a minute. And then I had to get the blank out of there before the fates saw me.

Good for you for signing up for those classes, Monica. And I hope you'll be successful at cutting off those tags.


Okay, I can't find the words right now to describe my feelings, but let me just say, your second paragraph is me. I think you got into my head, you sneaky pregnant woman. :)

I want to commit to this baby too....I just can't sometimes. Do what feels right to you. If you don't cut off the tags, no biggie. Your reading pregnancy and breastfeeding books. I haven't been able to make myself even do that yet.

Can I ask a question though? Why is it so important to people (like your therapist) that we are so positive? I just don't get it, I guess. (note to self: don't go into counseling as a career :))


On my last pregnancy I almost bought an outfit, just to say I know that this will be "IT!".

I do now kick myself for not doing it b/c maybe it would have turned out differently instead of like the other times I refused to let myself believe.

I will hope for strength for you in this task.


Cuts the tags when you're darn good and ready.

Jenn (froggy-mom)

Cutting the tags off is hard. I'm not as far along as you, but I cut some off for the hell of it. You can do it! Thanks for giving me the push to commit to this pregnancy more and more.

Cristina Salmon

Ok, I am going to disagree with your therapist. Do not cut off tags if you do not WANT to! You are right, it will not change anything. But it is a self preservation thing. For my SPAL, I did not buy one baby item, NOT A ONE! It was not fear to commit it was was self preservation. Clearing out Alexa's clothes was the hardest thing ever & I NEVER want to do that again, so if I did not purchase any clothes there was none to clean up! It is ok. They will be there to cut off when your baby is alive in your arms. Trust me. Same with classes, if you have taken them before no need (unless you REALLY want to). It is ok to protect your heart Mama, it really is.


I just wanted to tell you how extremly brave I think you are and to thank you for this blog. These are the blogs I love to read, because it makes me feel as if one day maybe I can get there.


I think you all are right. I'll just keep them on for a while longer. Until it feels right. He's my therapist not my boss. I'll just tell him I wasn't ready. I wish this was something I could do with the help of booze. I know one night I'm just gonna snap and rip all the tags off. Let it happen that way. I'm no good at pre-meditated acts.


Hey girl...I am so glad you only have 64 more days left. I can't wait to meet critter. I found something that I want to purchase for him (Jamie loves it and thinks Mat will get a kick out of it),alas, I am respectfully waiting till he gets here. I have seen so many things for him that are cute! The waiting is tough for me, so I can't imagine how slowly time must be passing for you...and to your therapist, I say, Who the hell cares if you take your tags off or not? If it makes you feel better to keep them on, than what's the God-damned problem???(sorry for the potty-mouth..I'm on vicodin tonight)j/k love ya girl!


The hubby and I put up a crib this past weekend. Now, everytime I walk by the nursery, I feel somewhat of a small sense of panic. The dresser, the rocking chair, the bookshelf- they were all part of a guestroom before the baby. But now? This crib, it is a constant reminder that I have a baby coming. Still scared, that I am going to lose this one, just like the three before, and the twin that was alongside it in my uterus.

Ugh, today is a total Monday. Don't know where I was going with this rant, besides the fact that I totally understand about the clothes, and cutting tags.

BTW- I live in Austin too. Aren't you tired of this rain???


I'm both tired of the rain but happy that the highs have been lower than normal. But the humidity... uggh.. and you know in a few weeks mosquitoes will be hatching all over the place. Congrats on setting up the crib!


My first pregnancy, I was a tag rippin', baby furniture buyin', goin' broke tryin' kinda gal. But at 24 weeks, he died 10 days after birth.

My second pregnancy, I was reserved ... distant even. We didn't even buy a baby wipe. After an emergency c-section at 25 weeks, I peeked at the beautiful little boy, but figured I'd have time to get to know the little guy in the coming weeks, months and years. He died on the second day before I could barely take the chance to let myself love him like I could have.

After that loss, I still desperately wanted children, but couldn't face pregnancy (let alone tomorrow) in my current state of mind.

I had survived months of bedrest, I had survived surgeries, I had survived the extreme stress of SPAL and I sucked up every bit of information available. In my heart of hearts, I did everything I could to stay pregnant (including seeing the best doctors and following their orders to a T) ... and I couldn't "will" myself a healthy baby.

In my broken state, I gave up control. I - with all my smarts and cuteness and money - couldn't have the one thing I needed more than breath ... a baby. I looked higher. First I railed my frustrations at God. Then a good teacher came into my life, so with a grain of understanding, I was able to stop trying to control my situations and trust that God is the one in control. Trust me, this took a while for me and it is so much easier said than done! Well, peace was the end result.

Next pregnancy, I tentatively bought some items, but kept them boxed in the laundry room. Our daughter was born still, but we had our peace ... even through the grief (God even pulled a book out of me from that incredibly sad ordeal).

During my most recent pregnancy, I pulled out all the stops. At the 24 week mark (despite bleeding, bed rest and surgery) ... we bought a crib AND assembled it. We cleaned out our guest bedroom and turned it into a nursery. I registered and accepted gifts - only God could have enabled us to do this! I chose to literally let go and let God.

And the baby?

His cry was the most beautiful sound I ever heard. (and the peace feels absolutely delicious!)

The comments to this entry are closed.