A pregnancy after a stillbirth

Come sit by the fire

To the person who came to my blog googling, "jealousy after a stillbirth", welcome.*  Come in.  Sit down.  Make yoursefl comfortable.  Let me fluff a couch cushion for you.  Sweet or unsweetend tea.  Would you like a chair by the window?  Welcome home. 

*My blog came up on the first page and more than ONE entry. 

I'm 36 weeks today.  Just a couple of weeks till I'm induced by a medical doctor (as opposed to the lobotomy victims on Babycenter who use self-induction methods as soon as they hit "full term").  Sometime between 14-18 days.  Why don't I just tell the date?  I don't know.  I'm not trying to be difficult.  I just think it is a delicious little secret.  Or the other possibility is that if things don't work out right, I won't have to turn away visitors.  It's probably the latter, but I'll pretend it's the former. 

I still haven't ordered that red pea-coat yet. 

Tomorrow I'm getting a pedicure.  Any color suggetions?  Should I do a last hurrah for summer and go coral or should I go fall and do a spicy red/brown?  If anyone has a good OPI color let me know.

Next week is my last week of work, although anyday I could just flip everyone off and walk out.  I've been threatening to do that for a few weeks.  Either no one takes me seriously or they want me to leave (ouch!).

This is the most uninspired posts in the history of uninspired posts.  Glad to see I can still be good at something. 

Monica and Critter (who is looking forward to Monday for his weekly OB visit and bio-physical profile)

Caution: This is an evil, low, mean-spirited, petty post.

If you are a kind and gentle person without a judgmental bone in your body, do not read the following post.  In fact, leave.  You shouldn't be on my blog in the first place.

So I'm watching Birth Day.  Yeah, I know I swore I'd never watch that show again.  I lied.  I like to torture myself, what can I say.  Yes, I realize this makes it "my fault" for whatever feelings I have as a result of watching said show.  However, this kind of shit follows me and probably some of my dear readers too.

So the show was about infertility.  I sorta get infertiles.  Our situations aren't the same, but we both want the same thing.  I get that.  They may not welcome me into their fold, but I get them.  So the show was about infertility.  The first woman they profiled had, in the narrators voice, "battled infertility for years".  I was shocked when I saw the women's face.  She couldn't be a day over thirty.  In fact she was 27.  That's ok, maybe she started trying at 20.  I can deal with that (sorta).  Next they show her twin toddlers.  Let me get this straight, this woman is only 27, is delivering her third child, and she is "infertile"?  That's the best the Discovery Channel could come up with?  A 27 year old woman about to deliver her third child... that's the "infertility show"? 

Just to prove this kinda shit happens in real life (not just on TV), my best friend's "infertile" sister is expecting her fourth child.  She's 31.  No, none of them were multiple births.  Yes, she got pregnant in high school.  Yet she is, "infertile".  Damn, could I be anymore jealous?  Everyone thinks their situation is so G-Damn unique and special.  Even I do sometimes.  Then I remember my support group members, people in blogland who have had numerous losses and aren't even close to expecting or family building, and the real IF crew.   This makes me so mad I really do want to rip tags off!

I hope no one read this evil post.  I hope I didn't put anyone in a bad mood for reading this. I must admit, I'm in a hell of a better mood now.   

Monica and Critter (who IS special!!)

Edited to add:  Things really aren't so bad.  Moments after I posted this my mother called me to tell me she's cooking beans and rice and asked if I wanted some (which is DuH! of course I do).  I suddenly care little about the so called "infertiles" I ranted about.  There used to be a song on PBS about Beans and Rice.  It was like the old S.chool House Rock videos.  I found it but the quality was low.  If you know this song, feel free to hum it and get the melody stuck in a stranger's head. 

Zuni bear is my co-pilot and B.ush is not a Texan

I'm always amazed at how many people assume I support Bush because I'm a Texan.  BTW, B.ush is NOT a Texan.  He was born in Connecticut, yet Connecticut seems to escape the stigma of being Bush's home state.  Bush also went to Yale (which I don't need to tell you is a very un-Texan like thing to do either).  I'd never assume someone from California was a Reagan Republican (and yes, Reagan wasn't born in California either), nor ask them how many "businesses did they deregulate that day" or something similar.  B.ush just likes to play cowboy.  So please, don't e-mail me asking me about B.ush.   

My father is going on a trip in a few weeks and that always make me nervous.  He'll be gone for about two weeks.  I wanted to get him something to keep him safe so I went back to the store where I got my Zuni Bear charm for my bracelet.  I got him a small brown marble Zuni Bear with offering to pack in his things.  While I was there I saw the cutest thing and I had to get it for Critter. Here is a pic of it.  Aren't they adorable?  You can click on the pic for a larger image.  They look tiny but I have large hands.  They are actually size 2 infant mocs.  Jimmy had huge feet so we know Critter will too.  DH is 6'3" and I'm 6 foot tall. 

I know this sounds weird but I'm already sick of summer.  I've only had two weeks off (since I taught summer school) and I'm ready to go back.  I don't deal with time off well.  The first summer I was a teacher and had the summer off I sort of went crazy and was convinced I had worms in my brain.  Seriously, I really thought that.  I'm getting restless and I know that time will go by faster if I were working.  I actually got excited about a summer training for three days so I could have something to do.  I know, I'm sure I'm getting so much sympathy from you nine to fivers on this one.  But really, it takes a lot of work to do nothing (said with a straight face).  Tomorrow (actually today) I'm meeting with my therapist.  He's finally back from vacation.  I've gone three weeks without a therapist visit and I've reached my limit.  I'm sure he's gonna love to hear that I'm now hanging out in cemeteries.  I bet his next assignment for me is going to be to cut the tags off of the clothes I have purchased for Critter.  Try as I may, I just can't seem to do it.  I'm afraid something bad will happen if I do.  It's my way of protecting myself.  Does it really protect me?  Will not cutting the tags off of the clothes make losing Critter less painful if that happens?  Of course not.  Yet a subsequent pregnancy lies beyond the limits of logic. 

Did I mention a woman from my support group is now in the "family way".  Congratulations Lori (and Eric too! ) 

Well that's it for me.  I doubt I can go back to bed because of my acid reflux.  It's ok.  I'll take staying up anyday with acid reflux if it will get me a baby. 

Monica and Critter (about 65 days to go)   

Mother's little helper

Read this .  It's about how anti-depressants are the most prescribed drugs now.  And I thought I was the only miserable person.  I don't feel so special anymore.  I've thought about taking anti-depressants, but I just feel like maybe I'm just meant to be sad.  I mean come on, we can't all be happy.  I think the real problem is that so many people just feel entitled to things.... like happiness.  OK, that came out wrong.  I'm all for drugs, especially fun ones, but I'm not sure that depressants should be the most prescribed drugs.  What's up with that?  More prescribed than high-blood pressure?  More prescribed than pain medication?  Seriously, I had no idea that many people were depressed.  Hmm.. question.  Is not being happy the same as being depressed?  Are people really this miserable or are these drugs just being over-prescribed.  And why does everyone else get the good stuff? 

Toga party blues

One good vent deserves another.  While I'm on the subject of things that piss me off, people that half-ass things and still get what they want just piss me off.  For Jimmy, I prepared so much.  I really took it seriously.  To me, it was a way to show him that I took the role of mother, his mother, seriously.  What do I mean?  Well for starters I decorated his nursery at 7 months.  I had everything ready.  I even had the alcohol and swabs for his umbilical cord and diaper creme laid out on the changing table.  I had washed all of his clothes, and was ready.  HIs room was painted, curtains hung, wallpaper pasted, accesories added.. at 7 months!!  I wasn't one of those people still scrambling to get things ready after they bring the baby home.  I had taken my car seat to the BRU and had the installation checked over by law enforcement.  I even made sure my mother had her car seat installation checked out too.  I took not one,but two different breast feeding classes, one with my husband and one with my mother.  I had purchsed my "Breast Friend" nursing pillow and my Maedela breast pump, and I had read all the directions.  I read three breast feeding books cover to cover and I think this was done by 8 months.  I took not one but two baby care classes, one with my husband and another with my mother.. who preceded to heckle the instructor, but that's for another post.  Of course I took the three-night birthing class as well.  I could go on and on, and perhaps I already have.  Let's just say I was the uber mom-to-be.  All of this and still no baby.  Let me just say it and sound awful, "why do crack whores get babies", or "unfit-mothers"?  I've always been like this though. 

In high school there was this toga party.  I was so excited and I asked my mother to custom make my toga.  No JC Penney sheet would be good enough for me.  She put a few stitches here and there so it draped well.  It was not stark white, but parchment colored.  A little gold ric-rac was added (just for flair).  Then I went and picked a few branches of wax leaf ligustrom to look like a laurel wreath.  I paired this with some leather sandals and a gold lyre made of cardboard and spray painted.  I looked like Venus or Diana.  Was it historically acurate?  Probably not.  The point was I looked the part and put in a lot of effort.  When I got there, half of the people never bothered to dress up and the other half wore Snoopy sheets with shower shoes.  And yes, they had a better time at the party than me.  What's fair about that?  Yeah, I get it, life isn't fair.

Monica (again, Critter took no part in this post.  He's still waiting on another beans and rice post)

The object of my scorn (yes group members, her)

There is this woman I hate.  I just hate her.  She's done nothing deliberately wrong to me, but her energy towards me is just.... well I just hate her.  I hate the way she looks at me and I hate the way she makes me feel.  That's what it really is, the way she makes me feel.  I hate that she can ruin my day just by looking at me.  Oh and how everyone just loves you don't they? It must be so fucking nice to be you.  I'm glad she won't be doing that ever again, looking at me, judging me.   No, I didn't kill her and no she isn't dead.  I just won't have to see her again and I'm happy.  That's all I'll say because a few people who read my blog know her.  They don't know I hate her. She hates me too, this I know.  She could not make me feel so awful about myself without hating me.  She'd never admit she hates me.  Who can admit they hate the lady who lost her baby?  Who can admit they hate someone who has never been anything but nice to her?  "Poor Monica", everyone says.  "Poor Monica had to hold her dead baby while everyone else gets live ones".  Yeah, I'm sure she DIDNT think that at all.  I hope she can't read minds.  I want her to think I like her so she'll feel bad for disliking me.  I want her to feel guilty for not liking me.  There, I blogged about this lady that I hate and I feel so much better.   Rest assured readers, it's not you.  As if you care.

Monica (not Critter.  Critter had no part in this post)

"Freebirthing"???

  Read this article.  It scared me. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18817370/  It basically talks about a new movement in birth practices in which the woman births her baby ALONE at home, not even with the presence of a midwife or any medical help.  And the idea that women have for millenia delivered their own children, therefore why use current medical technology is the most ridiculous argument I've ever heard.  Hey, lets go back to walking on all fours... being bi-pedal is overrated anyway.  Hey, why use fire either.  And the wheel... do we really need it?  If there were even a hundredth of one percent chance that having this "freebirth" experience could harm my baby (or my health for that matter), there is no way I'd consider it.  I doubt these same people would eschew chemotherapy or radiation treatment if they got cancer.  But this could be a result of my experience.. perhaps I wouldn't have batted an eye at this before losing Jimmy.  Anyhoo, this definitely goes in my mean thougts category.

Monica and El Critter

It became a vent

   Last night was the last meeting for my second support group.  It was sadder than I thought it would be.  I wanted to tell them I was pregnant, but I wasn't sure how they would react so I decided to do it by e-mail instead.  Some of them (like Tina and Paul) are barely two months since their loss and they might still have problems with people being pregnant.  I know how it feels to find out people are pregnant when all you want is your own child.. it just hurts inside.  I hope they will view me as different since I'm one of the "club".  I made everyone these poems and I framed them in pink or blue matting and then I put little footprint stamps on the matting.  The frames were on sale for only 3 for $7, so it was a steal.  I also printed them out on cute paper.  For the girls it was pink gingham and for the boys it was blue clouds.  Then I hot glued a pink or blue bow to the frame.  Except for Dawn and Kirk, we have few pictures to share.  Especially since our babies have passed in the photos which means that some people may feel uncomfortable to look at them.  I don't feel uncomfortable at all looking at these types of pictures and in fact I have felt honored that I have been allowed to view some pictures of the angels from both groups.  However the general population is different.  I wanted them to have something that they could put out for others to see to remind them of their baby.  Guess what I got in the mail!  No, no more Enfamil shit thank God, but a refund check from our mortgage co. for $220!  Seems like our tax rate changed or they had been taking out too much for escrow.  THe mature thing to do would be to put in back into the principle of the loan.  Hell no!  I'm going to deposit it and I may not even tell DH about it.  ; )  Luckily my other group meets this week or I would feel kinda lost.  We are going to go over our plans for the walk.  I hate to brag (but you know I love to), I have raised the most money on our team. I've raised $1500, but I did put in the last $75 myself.  I raised my goal to $1700 so that any last minute stragglers might still feel a reason to donate.  IF they see that I have met my goal, they might not feel inclined to donate.  I feel so sad for the parents of those students who were shot at Virginia Tech.  Somehow knowing that there is so much sadness in the hearts of those 66 or more parents makes me question the way the world is.  I'm not really a person of faith, but things like that just make me wonder how people can have faith that there is a just and loving God.  I know that people say, "you cannot understand God's wishes in this lifetime", but it is hard for me.  I've been on sort of a spiritual quest lately and have come up empty.  I do good things.. I dontate to charities, give blankets to homeless, organize clothing drives for my students who are without.. I'm no saint, but I'm far from the worst sinner.  Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why do the people in my support groups have to lose their children when others have children they don't even want?  Well I don't like where this post is going so I'm gonna wrap it up.  I guess I'll put it in my vent category too.  Oh well.

Monica

My daily petty moment

Dinners cooking, so this is a quick post.  So far that troublesome student is still in my class, but I did fill out the paperwork to remove him.  Now I'm just waiting for the other teachers on our team to add their documentation of his behavior and then we can turn it in.  I'll be so relieved when he is no longer in my class.  Well, today I was supposed to be giving a doctor update and a lil' bit about my new doctor, but she cancelled the appt.  I get that they have deliveries to make, but this was my first appt. with her and I was looking forward to it.  Plus, the appt. was for later in the day and I would not have needed to take a half day and get a sub.  Now I have to and I have already used up three weeks of my leave this academic year because Jimmy was born on August 13th.  I am trying so hard to keep my leave and now that I have to burn a half day because some other women is delivering probably her umpteenth perfect child just pisses me off.  THere, I had my petty moment fo the day.  I went to a bridal shower today and it was fun until I told the bride that bridal showers are like baby showers, you only get one for the first marriage.. assuming that since she was very young it was her first.  She laughed nervously then said, oh well, and then I realized it was already her second marriage so I tried to make a joke and said that we would cut her off on her third marriage.  How stupid can I be?  Well the pasta is almost cooked so I'll let you know tomorrow how the appt. went, its scheduled for 9:15.

Monica

Anger issues?

I love our design for our T-shirt for the March of Dimes walk.  Heidi from our support group came up with the design. She said I could e-mail her lil' Jimmy's actual footprints and she could swap them out for the one on the shirt.  I think she used Lucas' footprints.  Today I went and visited my friends Heather and Gabe and their newborn son Aidan.  It was a very nice trip.  I brought over some babywipes and some cookies I baked.  They pretended to like the cookies.. how sweet!  Aidan was just so adorable, and so strong!  I think he's about 4 weeks now and he was picking his head up and squirming around with a lot of force.  I held him for about half an hour maybe.  I tried bottle feeding him, but didn't do well.  He was fussy til he ate, then he just slept peacefully in my arms.  It was very nice.  It was not really that difficult.  In fact I didn't cry then or later.  It's weird how certain things can really set me off and others not.  I feel like having to work next to Heather during her pregnancy and now seeing her baby has really helped me to grow and work on my issues.  Anger is the biggest problem I have.  In the support group yesterday I was telling everyone how angry I am.  This new woman said SHE did not have any anger issues, then five minutes later told the group how she had cussed out a grocery store employee for asking her how her day was!  Who has anger issues?  Well I have never done that, nor have I wanted to.  I just have a simmering resentment, jealousy and I guess anger to those people who have no problems having babies, those people who don't even try to get pregnant and get pregnant, and those people with enough children to field their own basketball team.  One of the cable networks has had on programs about three separate families, all who have over 15 children.  WTF?  I know that when I eventually make this blog available for peeps to read after I announce I'm pregnant, I bet many people will read it and think I'm a petty person.  Think whatever you wish.  I'm not the first person to feel this way.  I have a friend named Jen, bless her heart, she called me a few days ago on the 13th, which is my anniversary date of Jimmy's birth, and she tried to cheer me up.  She ended up in tears about how depressed she is that she cannot get pregnant, and when she does she has trouble carrying a pregnancy to term.  She's had handfulls of pregnancy, but only one child.  So she calls me up to cheer me up and then breaks down crying.  Turns out all her friends are pregnant.  You want to be happy for them, but it's hard when they have something you want so badly.  I have a few infertility blogs I read because the women are so saucy!  They go off on rants against the "fertiles".  It's tough to have fertility issues or suffer a pregnancy loss in Williamson County (henceforth Wilco).  I have a theory that Wilco is a breeding ground for humans.  Like in the movie March of the Penguins, people flock to Wilco for the land and an opportunity to breed.  Babies and pregnant mommies are everywhere.  I was talking to a good friend Stephenie (yes, that's how her name is spelled) who had some female problems.  If I understand correctly, her body basically destroyed her ovaries.  She has since adopted the sweetest baby boy named Grant (I can personally vouch that he's a cutie!).  She says that whenever she is out in public she makes an effort not to be too happy or to appear to be a blissful mom because she doesn't want other women or men struggling with infertility or having a successful pregnancy to be sad or angry.  In fact she joked she'd love to have a shirt that says, "I'm infertile, we adopted him!"  She's too funny and OOC (out of control).  But I know exactly what she means.  I know once I start showing and if (if because to me pregnancy does not equal baby) I have a baby, I will feel that way too.  Once you've experinced the pain, you don't want others to feel it.  So, I had a dream the other day that I was alone in an ultrasound room and I gave myself an ultrasound (like I would know how to do it...) and it showed two babies and some other little form.  When I woke up I freaked out!  There is an old wive's tale that says if you dream about twins you will have twins.  I'm pretty sure its not true because I've dreamt I'd had a lot of things and I never got them... Troy Aikman for example...  Anyhoo, the idea scared the shit out of me because I can't even produce one live child, how could I do two?  So far my donation to my walk is still at $370.  I vow to never speak to those people who don't donate.  OK, I may speak to them, but I'll spread rumors about them behind their backs  ; )  Monica