A pregnancy after a stillbirth

The Gordito

I forgot to post about my NST last week.  Everything was great.  Today I had a "super ultrasound".  It consisted of a growth scan and bio-physical profile (BPP).  I like the growth scans because I get an idea of how big Critter is getting.  He's getting pretty darn big.  Now I know the limitations of calculating weight/size based on scans and that it can over estimate weight.  However it is just as likely to underestimate weight.  So just how big is Critter?  He's in the 93% for size, with 50% being the average size for his age.  So only 7% of babies in his age category are larger than him.  In fact he's 34 weeks 6 days and he measured into week 37 comfortably.  All I can say is that I'm glad he's coming out early.  His estimated fetal weight today is 6lbs 10 oz.  YIKES!  I think that by delivery he'll be pushing 8.5 lbs, and that is coming out two weeks early!!  What a butterball.  I'm not worried he'll be too big for a vaginal delivery, especially considering that I'm 6 feet tall with "birthin" hips.  Jimmy was delivered vaginally at 8lbs 11 0z.  I needed stitches in two places, but it was no big deal.   I also think that these measurements do not take into account the size of the parents.  One of the components used to calculate the size/weight is a measure of the femur.  Well I've got very long legs and DH does too (he's 6'3").  I think what will actually happen is that Critter will be long and skinny.  We will find out soon enough.  The Dr. confirmed that my induction had been scheduled with the hospital.  Somewhere between 25-30 days I'll have Critter home. 

Uggh.. I hate that I wrote a mega-paragraph. 

I so want to believe that it will happen.  I'm pretty convinced that we will get a baby.  But there is this tiny part of me that is holding back, not quite ready to believe it.  I've sort of postponed doing some of the tasks an expectant mother does.  Kind of like when I couldn't cut the tags off of his clothes.  I posted earlier about packing the bag.  I decided to do it, but not like I did with Jimmy.  Just a few important things.  Maybe some fun things (such as the tiara, feather boa, and Cary Grant photo). 

I think the next couple of weeks will be the slowest days of my life.  And the hardest.  But if I can make it after that first month, I can make it through the coming weeks.  I have to for myself, for those who are in their SPAL, for those who are TTC, for those who are on another path to family building, for Critter, and for Jimmy.  He wants to see this baby brother everyone is talking about.

Monica and Critter (el gordito)

Parenting the departed.

A few IRLs and bloggers have e-mailed to ask me how my bio-physical profile turned out.  I mentioned that I had one but did not update after it.  I should know better.  I'm queen of thinking the worst when my bloggers miss a few days.  Well it was a great BPP.  Too great.  Critter did all the components of the BPP in record time.  He demonstrated fetal tone, fetal movement, practice breathing, and he had good amniotic fluid levels.  He scored a perfect score.  So what's the problem?  Critter is doing so well that it makes me reflect on Jimmy and I feel like I have to defend him.  DH made a remark about how well Critter is doing and the first thing that popped into my head was, "yeah, well Jimmy was better".  I have this need to defend Jimmy to others and myself.  Sorta like the mother of two children, one who makes high marks in school and the other who makes low marks.  I feel like I need to stick up for Jimmy.  It wasn't his fault he died, or that he had the umbilical cord defect.  When people praise Critter I feel like it is an implied critique of Jimmy.  It' s not and I need to get over it.  It's just to me Jimmy is perfect and I don't like people praising Critter without also praising Jimmy.  I told my therapist this and he said I was just doing what parents of two children do too.  That made me smile.  I'm parenting Jimmy.  In my weird way, I'm parenting him. 

Climbing out

I feel like in so many was I'm climbing out of a hole.  The other day I was reading a blog and I felt like a mother hen.  I wanted to say, "dear child, let me help you".  Usually I associate myself with those who are experiencing the pain, but it this case I associated myself as someone who could help.  Its a subtle shift from victim to supporter.  I feel like this part of my journey is to offer support to those who are just starting out in their loss and/or starting out on their subsequent pregnancy.  When I reflect on this, I'm sure many readers are thinking perhaps I should wait until I actually have Critter in my arms.  Perhaps they are correct.  But for whatever reason, I've had a surge of confidence lately that has sort of changed my orientation.  Am I fixed?  Absolutely not!  Getting pregnant doesn't take away the fact that my son died, nor will delivering a healthy baby either.   

Today I had an OB visit and a NST (non-stress test).  The NST was sorta weird but Critter did well.  The OB visit was nice and again I clarified that I expect to be induced a few weeks early.  I'm going on rest at 37 weeks and OB is fine with that.   And at the very least, I felt like she remembered who I was. 

Off topic, tomorrow is my last day of summer.  I go back to work on August 20th, but the students do not return until the 27th.  It got me thinking about my favorite school memories.  My favorite time was the "lice check" in elementary school.  I loved having my hair played with and when the nurse came around and checked our heads for lice, I was in heaven.  She would use this tool to check our hair in sections.  It felt so good!  I would make it a point to lie and say, "my best friend had lice last month" so she would check longer.  I think I must have been sensory deprived as a child.  My second favorite memory was when the stores would post the school supply list.  I've always been a pen whore, and I just love buying office supplies.  Sometimes I think I became a teacher just so I could buy markers, pens, fancy paper goods...  And you reader?  What is your favorite school memory?

Yeah, well I have my own account there...

I think I told you that I'm putting a remembrance to Jimmy in the local newspaper.  They run in the obituary section.  Well the woman called me back today to confirm and said I need to get "an account".  I said, "an account... uh, I don't plan on placing any other obituaries any time soon".  She replied that was how they did it.  An account?  An account with the obituary section of the newspaper?  I've always wanted an account at Neiman Marcus, but not one for the obituary section.  How bizarre and morbid. 

Today I went shopping for a few things for Jimmy's section in the nursery.  I bought two additional ledges and another shadow box.  Since DH won't let me take Jimmy's blanket or hat to the hospital to use for Critter, I thought I'd put them in a shadow box along with my favorite outfit.  We will do these things on Monday, his anniversary.  I also bought some new wooden letters to put over the crib.  I'll replace "James" with Critter's name and put the old letters on Jimmy's shelf.  DH has asked that we no longer call Critter "Critter", but instead use his name.  Since I'm not sharing his name right now, I can't tell you what it is, but that we have started calling him by his name (actually the shortened version of it).  It's actually going better than I thought.  I wanted to hold off on the naming thing until later to protect myself.  However DH said "critter" reminded him of some sort of wild animal.  I still like it, and he will still be known as Critter on this blog.

Speaking of Critter... I did not mention that I had an ultrasound on the 8th to check for growth and anatomy.  Well Critter is huge!!  He is officially "large", meaning he is in the 90% for growth and 2 weeks ahead in growth.  Now ultrasounds can be off a little, but it is just as likely that he could be actually larger than that!  I'm not too worried because he's coming out two weeks early.  I'm just glad he's thriving. 

I'm interviewing another pediatrician today.  This time it is just one on on and not a "meet and greet" session. 

I also got a coming home outfit for Critter and it is wonderful!!!  The outfit I picked out for Jimmy was not practical.  It was a sweater set.  It's routinely in the 100s in Texas during August.  This time I picked out something more summery.. if that is a word.  I'll do pics.  The first one is Jimmy's and the second one is Critter's.  Thanks to Andria (a fellow Austinite) , who steered me to janie and jack .  I found the cutest pale blue searsucker jumper with a matching onsie with gingham trim to wear underneath.  I'm taking the onsie back to be embroidered with Critter's initials.. is that ballsy or what?  It's weird how at sometimes I can be 110% certain I'm bringing Critter home and then seconds later I'm sure he's dead.

          

                  Monica and Critter (less than fifty days to go!)

A product I don't get and a Dr. update

I was shopping for some trashy books for a friend who is in the hospital (really, not for me.. although I have read my share of books about "rogueish Highland warriors/pirates/widowed ranchers/landed nobles/should I go on?).  In the end I decided to stick with magazines.  While I was at the bookstore I stumbled across a "Self-Scoring IQ Test Workbook".  First, who wants to know her IQ that badly?  Well, what I mean is who wants to know what it really is?  I'm scared to find out.  Secondly, if I did, buying a self-scoring test would not be good for me.  I know I'd disagree with the answers and when it came time to total my score, some of my wrong answers would conveniently be right.   When all was finished, I'd have a 200 IQ. 

I had a Dr. appointment yesterday.  I actually got to see my real doctor.  Gosh, I felt so privileged.  That is until it became painfully clear she has no idea who I am.  I mean I've only seen her five previous times (the other times I saw her partner or her NP, and twice I saw the CNMW -certified nurse midwife).  She started talking like Critter had SUA.  I had to tell her, no, the baby who died had SUA.  What gives?  I get that she's got tons of patients, but I'm the most important patient she sees, just like when you or your family goes to the doctor YOU are the most important patient he/she sees!  I hope she felt bad and took my file (which is the size of War and Peace) home and read it.  Maybe she'll be prepared when I see her in two weeks.  Next week I have another growth/anatomy scan with the perinatologist.   Then it is alternating weekly NST and BPP with a few more growth/anatomy scans thrown in for fun.   Oh, I measured fine and Critter's heartbeat was 140 BPM.   

Can you guys send some energy/prayers/kind thoughts my way?  I have a few friends who need them.  Just send them to me and I'll send them along.  I promise I won't hoard your warm, fuzzy thoughts.  They are for other people.

Monica and Critter (about 56 days to go!!!)

What's worse? ( a dr. update included)

While checking my referrers today, I came across a google search that brought someone to my site.  They had googled, "what's worse, incompetent cervix or placental abruption?"  Since I had neither in my pregnancy, I'm sorta confused why my site came up.  Anyhoo, I felt like replying , "what's worse, being hit by a dump truck or cement truck?" 

Today I had two appointments, one with the other OB in the practice and the other with the cardiologist.  Let's start with the OB appt.  I'm glad I met with her so now I have met with both people who might deliver my baby.  She's really nice and spent a LONG time answering my questions, which I love.  I sorta like her more than my real OB.  But she probably was just fascinated by my loss (it's not everyday a woman loses a baby at 40.5 weeks, even though that's all we see) and by the fact that I had my "entourage" with me.  She told me not to begin the kick counts till 30 weeks because at 28 weeks it is not as reliable that you will catch 10 movements in 2 hours.  She also told me I could safely double the amount of Zantac I've been taking.  Yea, no more fire-breathing dragon feeling!  I see my OB in two weeks and then at 32 weeks its alternating weekly with my OB for NST and the perinatologist for BPP. 

My second appt. was with my cardiologist about the heart issue.  The monitor I had to wear did pick up the early beat and he showed it to me on the print out.  BAsically, the heart should beat regularly (indicated by the same number of dots between the letter B as following: B...B...B...B...)  However my heart is doing this  B...B...B.B......B.  The first two beats are normal but then an early beat occurs.  I do not feel this early beat.  However, the early beat resets the timing and then the following beat is later than normal and because more blood has accumulated, it is a forceful beat and that is what I've been feeling.  He told me that it was not anything to worry about, but if I wanted he could prescribe me a beta-blocker.  HE said some of his patients cannot stand it and it worries them.  He'd rather put me on a beta-blocker than have me drive into the ER every night because I'm worried about my heart.  I told him it wasn't necessary.  Actually, I don't notice as much anymore.  It still happens, but I've gotten used to it.  I've made friends with my premature ventricular contraction.  He asked to see me after I deliver just to make sure things are ok.  He asked me if I was "anxious" about this pregnancy.  I answered, "you have no idea".  It's ok though.  REally, anything that happens to me along the way is nothing as long as I get a healthy baby.  I'd crawl 100 miles on broken glass for a healthy baby.  An irregular heartbeat is no big deal.  I may have to bitch-slap the next pregnant woman who complains about her swollen feet, but other than that, I'm doing ok physically.  Mentally, well that's a different story.  But today was a good day, and I know I'm one more day closer to bringing Critter home.

Monica and Critter.

Ultrasound update.. : )

Today we had an ultrasound. Everything was great. Critter’s heartbeat is normally in the 150’s, but today it was 139 bpm. I’m not worried because 120-160 bpm is normal. I fell asleep in the coffee shop reading my Civil War book before the appt., that’s why I think it was low. I should really give up on that book, but that would be defeat and I refuse to do that. The sonagrapher we had today was awesome. She was so happy and chipper, which is different than the way most people treat us. I wouldn’t say that anyone is rude to us, but they give us sympathetic looks and talk in hushed tones. This woman was incredibly happy. Maybe she overdosed on her happy pills (see earlier post about "Mother's little helper"). I kept waiting for her to ask us if this was our “first” baby. I thought there was no way she read our file by the way she was acting. It turns out she had because she mentioned it later. I think she was just trying to make us happy and relaxed. IT worked. For a moment I felt like a normal pregnant woman getting an ultrasound, instead of waiting to receive bad news. And for some more good news, Critter is still a boy! He also no longer has his feet over his head either. I was beginning to get worried since his last two ultrasounds were like this and I thought he might be stuck that way. I go back in a month for another “growth” scan. Then after that I go in every week alternating the  BPP (bio-physical profile-a detailed ultrasound) and the NST (non-stress test) which is performed in my OB's office.

For this moment in time 

5:15

July 11, 2007

….. I’m so happy.

 

Monica (so happy it hurts) and Critter (so over ultrasounds)

From the heart

Well today I went on my referral visit to the cardiologist.  When I went to my last OB appt. I told her that I had been having an irregular heart beat.  She said it was probably PVC (premature ventricular contraction) which is very common in pregnancy.  However she said if I would like a referral to a cardiologist to take a look she'd write one.  Well even after the loss I still have a hard time being demanding so I looked at my mom and husband (who go with me to EVERY appt. now) and asked them what they thought.  My mom said, "take the referral".  I am becoming more demanding but it just isn't in my nature to complain (hah, you're thinking.. since all I do is complain on this blog) or demand extra testing and all that stuff.  Well I'm getting better at it.  AS I posted earlier, the only way to get top-notch care is to demand it.  Well I saw the cardiologist today and he did an EKG and it looked ok.  He gave me this monitor to wear for 24 hours and it records my heartbeat and such.  I am to hit record when I feel the irregular beat.  Then I call this number and a computer reads the output (and I hope a human too!).  He also scheduled me for an echocardiagram tomorrow (which he described as an ultrasound of the heart).  He also thinks it's PVC which is not serious at all, but can be scary.  He did say that he could prescribe me a beta-blocker if it bothered me.  He did say though that they have side effects such as depression and weight gain, AND it can cross the placenta.  I asked him if a beta-blocker was a blood-thinner and he said, "no, it works to block adrenaline receptors" or something like that.  I worry what would happen if I saw a bear..lol!  If this does turn out to be PVC, which all things point toward, I think I would decline the pills.  I'm already depressed and Lord knows I'm gaining weight.  Plus I think I'll be able to cope better with the attacks if I know for sure that is what they are.  Lastly, I don't want anything going to Critter that doesn't absolutely have to.  I also made a follow up appt. in three weeks to go over the results of the monitor and echocardiogram.  So I was talking to a friend about all my appointments and referrals and such and she said that those are a good sign that nothing bad will happen in this pregnancy.  Well not necessarily.  I had a ton of ultrasounds in my last pregnancy (8 I think) after the single umbilical artery was diagnosed.  I still ended up with no baby.  It's not how many ultrasounds or biophysical profiles or non-stress tests... that you get, but what the doctor does with that information.  I don't want to be lulled into a false sense of security that since I go in for more appointments and monitoring that I'm getting the best care.  What I really think is a luxury and is missing in Obstetrics is just time to talk to your doctor.  My doc is so busy I always feel rushed.  If I didn't have my mom and husband with me, I don't know if she'd remember me.  I always make it a point to ask a weird question (not weird as in I should be committed weird)  or make a joke or something so that she'll remember me.  I'm probably taking this whole thing too far, but I just don't want to have the guilt again that I have now that I should have questioned my doctor or sought a second opinion... that's what I love about the Perinatologist , Dr. Barry.  I feel like I can get a second opinion from him if I don't trust or question my OB.  I think this is just the way it is in a SPAL.  Well I've worn myself out and I'm gonna go nap.

Thanks for listening,

Monica and Critter (25 weeks tomorrow.. only 13 more until I'm induced!!)

Critter is looking good!

Today I had an OB appt.  Everything went well.  The hearbeat was strong and she said I was "doing good".  I have to tell you a story about my friend K.  She lost her darling daughter Sara at term (actually the day before her due date AND on K.'s birthday).  Well she's pregnant and is two weeks behind me.  At her appt. her baby, which they call "peanut", was hiding and causing trouble.  K. and her husband got very nervous (you'd only know how nervous if you've lost a baby)  Turns out "peanut" was out exploring the upper reaches of her ribcage!  Everything turned out to be ok, but it sure scared them.  I imagine they are more prepared for that kind of thing now.  I know I was thinking about it when they put the probe to find Critter's heartbeat.  Critter though is like me and he likes to just "chill" and he just stays in that weird position with his feet over his head.  One thing that was intersesting:  Over the past few weeks I've had heart flutters .. or more precisely and irregular heartbeat.  IT is VERY common in pregnancy, but still scary.  Just to make sure everything is OK, I got referred to see a cardiologist next Wednesday.  Oh.. I also got the sweet orange drink to drink for my gestational diabetes test.. I feel like I'm making progress.  Everyone complained about the drink, that it was too sweet.  I kinda liked it.  : )  Anyhoo, I can't drink it for three more weeks.  It was a postitive visit.  I didn't see my OB, but her nurse practioner (who is also a certified mid-wife).  WHen I made my appt. for the next visit my doc. was on vacation so they asked if I would mind seeing the nurse practioner again.  I said, "yes, I want to see an MD", so I'll see the other OB in the practice.  I can handle seeing a nurse practioner every now and then, but not on back to back visits, and not after week 35.  I've decided on those standards myself.  I know no one is going to offer me above-average care, I have to demand it.  I have my support group meeting tonight.  I hope it goes ok.  I have to go by myself 'cause DH is very busy at work.  He didn't get home til after 10PM last night.  In fact I had to take him dinner to work.  I don't mind taking him dinner, that way I can make sure he's not at a strip club ; )  Well, I'm gonna try and take a short nap before "group".

Monica and Critter (144 BPM!!!)

The contortionist

Well today I had the follow-up to my 20 week anatomical scan.  Everything looks great!  It is definitely a boy.  Critter proudly displayed his lilliputian penis (hey, its gonna get bigger).  He was very stubborn for a while though with his face.  One of the structures the doctor needed to see was a frontal face shot to rule out cleft palate (not chin, cleft chins are awesome.. Jimmy had a cleft chin like Kirk Douglas).  Well Critter refused to comply for several minutes.  In fact they had to get the perinatologist to come in and find him.  Of course Critter immediately complied.  This is the second ultrasound where Critter has been in an odd position.  He likes to hang out in a "pike" position with his feet over his head.  Bizarre I know!  My mom said after he's born and he starts to cry we should roll him up like that.  She really said that but she was probably kidding.  I hope.  Well today I also met with my therapist and read my letter to Jimmy.  I don't feel like posting it right now.  Today after the meeting I went by to the grocery store and got a baby card and I used my left hand to write a letter to Matthew.  I signed it like it was from Critter.  Matthew thought it was real cute.   Do you know the children's book, Guess How Much I Love You?    I think this weekend I'm going to buy it to read to Critter.  Well I'm gonna get ready for bed.  I got very little sleep last night because I took a nap when I came home from work.  I fought the nap deamon so I could go to sleep at a regular time and get 8 hours of sleep.

Monica and Critter