They come in threes, or fours...

Just a warning, I may not finish this post.  I just took two sleeping pills and chased them with a beer.  I've developed horrible insomnia.  I hate being alone at night with my thoughts.  I don't like where they go. 

My mortgage company effed up and took out two thousand dollars extra from our bank account.  They sent us a letter two months ago saying that our monthly payment would go down to $1,700 because we no longer had to pay PMI.  Wanting to pay off our house sooner, I called them and told them to make our new payment an even $2,000 and put the extra $300 to the principle.  Well the asshat deducted $1,700 and then an ADDITIONAL $2,000.  This was on July 3rd.  Despite apologizing numerous times, they have yet to put the money back.  Dillweeds. 

My husband found my secret credit card charges.  He, "accidentally" opened the bill.  I told my mother and her reply was, "did I teach you nothing?" 

I've started to get that feeling again.  That feeling that has no words.  It's because Jimmy's second anniversary is coming up.  I feel like a black cloud is following me.  I want to be happy with Andy.  After all, I have one living child, which is more than many women have.  Yet I can't. 

Oh.. and my MIL may be moving in with us.  She cannot move around very well and needs care.  While I don't want her to move in with us, I can't tell my husband, "no."  What if it were reversed and it was my mother who needed care?  But uugghhh.  Just ugghhhh.

On a happy note, Andy is now pulling up to a stand on EVERYTHING!!  He'll be cruising in no time.  And he's darn cute too.

HA!!  It appears I'm still awake.  Stupid over the counter sleeping pills!!!  I'm calling for my Doc to get an RX for Ambien.  Ahh.. Ambien..

Monica

Comments

[DD]

Ah, yes, the credit card dilemma. What's done is done, so tell your husband if he's never, ever kept anything from you, he can judge.

Of course you are happy with Andy, but that doesn't mean you are NOT supposed to mourn the loss of Jimmy. He's your son (which I know I don't have to tell you, but if someone were to say anything differently, you make sure to remind them). You would be sad with any upcoming date marking the death of someone dear to you so don't feel "wrong" for doing so now. Go ahead and have a good cry whenever you need to and let out that ache.

[niobe]

I get sooo tired of worrying -- or even thinking -- about money. Sigh.

[beruriah]

I simply cannot comment about money or credit cards as it makes me anxious....darn, too late.

Andy's being here didn't bring Jimmy back. It still sucks. Before and while I was pregnant with Samuel, the fear that I'd *never* be a mother with a living baby dominated. Now that that fear is over, the other fears and sadnesses have become so loud it's deafening. I've been thinking about your anxiety that someone would take Andy - man, I am anxious all the time that Samuel will be hurt or has some problem I ought to be getting treated but can't see.

Still, none of that means I'm not thrilled and happy with Samuel, and you with your Andy.

I hope you got some sleep.

[Furrow]

Oh, dear. I can see where you would have some sleepless nights. What a crapload of crap you're dealing with. I can only offer sympathy and cyber hugs, for whatever they're worth. I hope you get some better drugs.

[Michelle Z]

Anniversaries suck. Grocery shopping & hearing other moms call out your missing babies name sucks, too.

I just feel like life isn't supposed to be SO DAMN HARD. I feel like I spent so much time being naive & clueless. And I miss being that person.

[Monica H]

I'm with you on the sleepless nights and worrying about finances and grieving over our babies'second anniversary.

I think of Jimmy often, but I know that won't bring him back. I know you love Andy, but he'll never fill that empty space in your heart. They never will. I wish he were here.

It sucks- I know. And I'm sorry. I wish there was more I could say but then again I'm going through a similar situation and I don't even know how to soothe myself.

As for you MIL moving in- eeeK! That I'm doubly sorry for.

[Kristi]

We can love & be happy with our babies that are here as much as we love & miss the babies we lost. So many are the feelings are entwined. If Jimmy & Sara were here, we probably wouldn't have Andy & Ethan. That's a overwhelming thought. It hurts so much.

I'll call you later!

[missingone]

Ambien......yeah, that's what they gave me to sleep when I was waiting to deliver Jessica. Made me soo loopy.

I wish you could quite your mind (although when Dh is gone, I get bad insomnia too)

[dragonfly]

Don't know what to say that can help, but I'm thinking of you..

[Danielle (BBC)]

There is nothing I can say except I'm thinking about you. This is a crap load of stuff to deal with, added to all the other crap that is life. You're one heck of a gal (as my grandma would say?) and I know you can hang in there - I just hope you know it.

[mkv]

Debt. Let's just really not go there...$60K thanks to infertility and bad choices.

And, I agree. I am happy with Kallie, but life would be much better if I had Kallie AND Kinsey & Ryan.

[Heidi]

Monica, the living baby doesn't make the second anniversary any easier on us. Lucas' was a month ago today and, while it was not as hard as the first one, it still hurt. What I don't like is the fact that people seem to think that one (or more) living child wipes out that nonliving child (see my blog post 2 vs. 1). I love Justin and Cameron more than life itself, but my heart will always have an emptiness in it because Lucas is not here.

Congrats on the pumping. I am running through in my mind how I'm going to be able to pump at school to keep my milk supply up when school starts back in another month.

[andrea frazer]

Holy crap that is one cute kid. Hang in with everything. And thank you for reading me at BAbyCenter - so nice. I'll be back to read you again. Take it easy!

[buy fioricet]

So, they took off $3,700 per month?! That was a big amount of money!