A pregnancy after a stillbirth

For shits and giggles...

Ten things you probably don't know about me.  Or want to.  Or even care.

10.  I like to smell my husband's armpits.  Gross, I know.
9.    I was hit by a car once riding my bike to school.  They said there was no damage to my head.  I should have gotten a second opinion.
8.  My first crush, and hardest, was on the Fonz.
7.  I don't have a middle name so I gave myself one in third grade.  Lee.
6.  My DH is a great poker player.  I mean GREAT.  He's earned us over ten thousand dollars.  Wait, that one is not about me.  Ok.... I love to play the video poker in Vegas and sip appletinis.
5.  My favorite movie is the Godfather.  I know everyone says that but I really mean it.  I wrote a paper in college about how the Godfather is a conversation between Plato and Nietzsche.  Yes, I was a philosophy major.
4. I love the word sesquipedalian .  If you know what it means then you are one.
3.  The song, "Pancho and Lefty" by Willie Nelson makes me cry.
2.  I have a small mole on my chin out of which a hair grows.  When it gets real long it starts to curl.
1.  I stalked my German professor.  Turns out he was gay.  Apparently my American honed gaydar doesn't work on Europeans.  I even went to Germany.  No, not to be near him in a physical sense because he was in California at that time.  To be near him in a metaphysical sense.  Creepy, I know. 

What about you reader?  What is something I don't know about you? 

BTW, go by Mrs. G.'s blog   and say congrats.  Her son was stillborn and then she suffered a miscarriage.   She just delivered a healthy baby girl.

Monica

Waiting for the other shoe

In July of 2006 I had a thought.  I remember thinking, "I'm the most fortunate person in the world."  I counted abundant blessings.  I had material blessings:  a new car, beautiful house, and I wanted for nothing.  I had a job I loved and had just earned my Master's degree.  I had a family who loved me.  My mother and father live only three minutes away.  And they are still healthy and still married, although I'm not sure if they are "happily married".  Many days I feel like I'm in an episode of "All in the Family" when I visit.  My husband could not be more faithful and loving.  My friends... lets just say that if I showed up with a body in the trunk they wouldn't call the police, they'd go get a shovel... their best shovel.  And lastly, I was pregnant.  A wanted and dearly loved baby on the way.  I reflected for a long time that day on how fortunate I was.  Then everything fell apart.

Here I am in December of 2007 and the same thought occurred to me.  "How blessed I am", I thought as I was driving home a few days ago.  Immediately I began to panic.  Why did I think that?  Am I looking for trouble?  Do I want things to fall apart?  I know it doesn't work that way, but I can't help thinking that I just cursed myself.  You know, like when the announcer says the quarterback hasn't thrown an interception in ten games and he throws one the very next play?

I got the new SUV.  I know, I'm now the person I used to hate.  But I'll be damned if I'm gonna get in a wreck and be on the losing side. 

I miss Jimmy.  I have so many  feelings but nothing I write will convey them.  I simply miss him.  I went to the cemetery and left presents for the other angel babies from my support group.  It's weird, but I miss them too.  It's like when you watch Schindler's List and you miss all of those people, those six million people who never got to live out their lives to the end.  Someone's mother, someone's sister.. and so on.  A tangible loss even if you never met them. 

Andy loved his presents.  Well, not really.  He's too young.  But I'm sure he will appreciate the new mobile.  The clothes and sleep sacks not so much.  I'll post some pics soon.

Happy Holidays,

Monica and Andy

PS.
I have some friends who are hurting.  Some who know I know that and one who does not know I'm aware of her pain.  I love you all and am thinking about you.  I don't think I carry favor with God or I'd pray for you.  But I'm thinking of you.  A  lot.  And that has to count for something.  ((Hugs))

Welcome baby Samuel

Beruriah and Josh got their long awaited bundle of joy!  Samuel was born at a whopping nine pounds nine ounces and twenty-one inches long.  This was a full term birth after she lost her darling son Natan to an incompetent cervix.  She got a cerclage and it held tight.  Very tight.  Incredibly tight.  Stop by and say congratulations.   

Monica

I just love this!!

moar funny pictures

Shhhhh....

Andy has been sleeping for seven hours.  I think I may be able to do this baby thing after all!

I took my car to Car.Max to get it appraised.  I really want to get an SUV.  I have a sedan and everyone else here in Texas drives huge pick-up trucks and SUVs.  I feel at a disadvantage.  I feel like we (Andy and I) are vulnerable.  There is nothing like driving down the road with a Yukon on one side, a Suburban in front of you, and an Excursion riding your ass to make you feel like you need a bigger car.  I'd buy a Bradley tank if I could.  The truth is, I'm just scared I'm going to get in a wreck and Andy will die.  I cannot risk losing another child.  I hate that I'm considering getting an SUV.  I've railed against them for years.  But now I want one.  Badly.  And I get what I want.  OMG!!!! That last line was over the top.... WTF?  heeheh.   Monica gets what she wants!  HAHAHA NO I DON'T, but it feels good thinking I do. 

I think I had a slight case of PPD, but I feel wonderful lately.  I think I'll take some cute pics of Andy and post them later.  Any suggestions?  Yes, he is too big to fit in a Christmas stocking.

Pictures of me

Andy is so regular you can set your watch by him.  Which caused me concern because our portrait appt. was during the time of day he makes his poopies.  I told my mother the portrait session would either be a success or a total disaster.  It was the latter.  He had a total blowout diaper and ruined one of his outfits.  I won't go into detail but he managed to get poop on his outfit, the car seat, stroller, my mother's shirt and watch, and my shirt.  And of course I only had two wipes in my case.  He cried throughout most of the session too.  In fact the only time he wasn't crying was when he was naked on the velvet throw (what does that say about him??), or when he had a bottle in his mouth.  We had to feed him and then quickly yank the bottle out.  We were able to get a few gems and I'll share with you.   Overall it was stressful but enjoyable experience that Andy made sure I'd never forget.

Of Milk and Men.

Forgive me for being absent. 

Yesterday Andy had his two month check-up.  The pediatrician called him a, "chunk".  He weighed in at 13 pounds, six ounces which puts him in the 90% for weight.  He is also in the 90% for length.  He likes to eat, what can I say.  He's really changing before our eyes.  He's outgrown so many things.  He's cooing and smiling.  His neck strength is improving daily despite the fact that he is not a big fan of "tummy time".  But the best news is that he is sleeping for five hours straight at night, wakes, feeds, then goes back to bed for another four hours.  It's a beautiful thing.   

Oh the joy of breastmilk...  SInce I failed at breastfeeding miserably, I've been pumping six times a day.  I get about six to seven ounces a session.  I can barely stay ahead of him.  Sometimes, when I forget to drink my water or I have to go a while between sessions, my supply drops.  The whole thing just sucks.  I feel like I'm tied down to my pump.  I told my DH I was going to quit pumping after I went back to work in January.  DH was very upset.  Before I delivered Andy, I went to three breastfeeding classes and read four breastfeeding books cover to cover.  I knew it would be hard so I made DH promise me that he would not let me give up on breastfeeding and if it didn't work to make sure I at least pumped my breastmilk.  Boy do I regret that.  He won't let me out of the promise.  Our pediatrician also said that babies' immune systems are at their lowest from 4-6 months.  That puts Andy at his most vulnerable in February, the worst month of the year.  When DH heard that, there was no way he was going to let me stop.  So it appears the breast pump and I will be friends until April.

Here are some pics of Andy.  We have an appt. today with the Sears Portrait Studio for his holiday pics. 

BTW:  The one in the Thanksgiving outfit was taken not on Thanksgiving.  I bought it for him to wear that day but then forgot to put it on.   Monica H. reminded me about it.  The other pic is my lovely milk.  And no, the Hershey's syrup is not to make chocolate breastmilk for Andy.  It just happens to be on the same shelf.