A pregnancy after a stillbirth

Goodbye Richard.

Goodbye Richard.  A teacher I taught with for the past four years has died of brain cancer.  It was quick.  He retired last year and died this past week.  I cannot describe Richard to you, you'd just have to know him.  He was polarizing to say the least, but somehow I always loved him.  He was the type of guy who would show up ten minutes late to a meeting, complain the whole time about the meeting, yet drag it out for twenty minutes with his complaints.  He always seemed to have a copy of the Constitution.  He had a Supreme Court anecdote for everything.  His students had a fondness for mimicking him.  Whenever a student would get rowdy (which was not often), another student would stand up and say, "to the porch!"  Richard had a ramp to his door that he called, "the porch" and he would send students there for timeout.  Several teachers at our school probably thought he was just a grumpy old man.  He wasn't.  He was clever, funny, and caring.  He took me under his wing when I came to this campus.  He told me who I could gossip with and who I couldn't.  He was a mentor and a confidant.  I just can't get over this death thing.

Richard loved to teach the Civil War.  He said it was the darkest time in US history, yet the most beautiful as well, sorta like Richard.

I miss you Richard. 

I'm still here... really.

Breastfeeding update:  We went back to the lactation consultant on Friday (yesterday) for the third time for those counting.  It was a great session and Andy did very well.  His latches were painless and he was not howling in protest.  However at home it was a different story, but for the most part the times we have tried again were much more successful than previous attempts.  Oh, my production is through the roof.. sort of.  I'm getting over three ounces on most pumping sessions which is much higher than my .40 oz I was getting less than a ten days ago.   

Emotional update:  I think I'm finally realizing that Jimmy is never coming back.  I know I've said this many times, but then I never really believed it.  As much as I said that Andy wasn't a replacement baby, I think there was a part of me that hoped he would take the pain away.  That is never going to happen.  It's amazing that I can hold a beautiful baby in my arms and still have tears roll down my face for the one I lost.  I'm getting better though.  I went to my support group meeting on Thursday.  I tried not to go, but over a year I have gone and I just didn't know what to do with myself.  I wanted to be there, even if they did not want me there.  I'm sure they probably think I should be over it.  I thought it too.  I hate to write this because I know that a lot of people who are in their subsequent pregnancy after a loss read my blog and I don't want them to think that the sadness is still there.  But it is, just in a different way.  They will soon find that out.  There is joy too.. but you don't forget you lost a child.  Silly me for thinking that I would.

Things I've learned:  I used to brag (well in my head) about how punctual I was.  I wasn't just punctual, I was early.  And late people just burned me up.  Really, I'd rather have lunch with a leper than a habitually late person.  It's almost like I viewed them as having some moral shortcoming.  Then I got a kid.  Let's just say I've now made my fair share of the, "we are running a little late" phone calls.  Because you think twenty minutes is enough time to get a newborn into a car carrier, but then he pees and you have to change that.. and in the process he shits on his outfit.  Then you have to get a new outfit.  Then you have to look for his pacifier.  And on the way out you realize you left his blanket.  And by then you are already five minutes late.  To those people with children that I declared morally "unfit"because of their tardiness, I'm sorry.  I'm in the club now.  I get it.   Those people without kids who are late, you really are morally unfit.   

Monica and Andy

Compare and Contrast

Besides the obvious difference of bringing home a live baby this pregnancy as compared to the last, there are also many other differences and a few similarities as well.  The teacher in me wants to make a Venn Diagram, but I'll hold back on that.  One difference is how in my first pregnancy with Jimmy I was preoccupied by the color of my.. I don't know the word so I'll just call it "bleeding".  According to my OB it was supposed to go from red to pink to clear.  My remained bright red with clots for 6 weeks.  Of course when I called to voice my concerns I was told it was normal.  Only when I went in for my postpartum check-up did my OB (the same one who did not think it was necessary to induce early with SUA) realize that something was wrong.  She ordered a trans-vag. ultrasound.  It turns out that my bleeding was abnormal, but it was only because I went back to work at 3 weeks postpartum after a full term birth and had not breastfed.  In any case, I was preoccupied by the color of this discharge.  Fast forward 15 months and now I am preoccupied by the color of Andy's bowel movements.  In fact DH and I had a mini-row at the pediatricians office over whether or not it was "blackish-green" or "brownish green".   Now it is a yellowish color.

Another difference is the sleep issue.  I have to pump or try to breastfeed every three hours, so I cannot sleep.  In my first pregnancy I couldn't sleep either, but I was prescribed Ambien so I logged over 8 hours of sleep a day. 

The similarity between the two is that I could not believe that it was my life.  I couldn't believe I lost Jimmy and I still cannot believe I've been blessed so much to have Andy.  In both times I feel sorta like it is not my life I'm living. 

Good news:  My breast milk production is up to two ounces AND Andy had two great breastfeeding sessions yesterday.  I just wish there was some magic way to know exactly how much milk he was getting.  In any case, it was a major victory. 

Sorry I've been a bad blogger lately.  I'll get around to your blogs soon.  Forgive me.

Here are some recent pics....... I still can't get over the light hair and lack of eyebrows!!!  With the exceptions of those two peculiarities, he looks so much like Jimmy.

An quick update

Andy's jaundice is improving.  Saturday we went to the pediatrician again for another bilirubin measurement and it is beginning to come down.  We still had to leave him on the bili bed for Saturday and Sunday though.  However this has not been a problem as he seems to like the light and gentle hum of the bed. 

Breastfeeding is still difficult.  I should have used an SNS to supplement but I instead I used a bottle.  Now Andy is incredibly lazy and sucks at the breast only a few times before wailing because my milk is slow.  The good news is that my milk production is increasing.  I'm now at almost an ounce per pumping session and I pump every two hours.  Today I did the skin-to-skin contact and my breast started leaking milk just by having him close to me.  But when I tried to get him to nurse, he was impatient and started wailing again.  I think he latches well, just gives up too soon. 

Tomorrow (actually today) is Andy's circumcision.  I delivered on the 1st of October and my OB was going on vacation on the 3rd, when she would normally do the circumcision.  However she does them in her office as well, so I'm bringing him in.   I'm super worried about it.  I don't want anything to go wrong.  Also, I don't want him to be in pain... I can't stand to hear him cry.

Yesterday I had a breakdown because Andy looks so much like Jimmy when he sleeps.  How can I be so lucky to have a baby, yet miss the one I lost so much?  What's worse is that I keep thinking that Jimmy, who was stillborn three days past his due date, did the same things in utero that Andy is doing right now.   We had an autopsy performed on Jimmy to rule out any other causes of his death.  I wish we had never done this since it revealed no new information.  Instead it just revealed the awful last moments of his death.  As much as I love Andy, some times I think it might be easier to have had a girl because then there would be less comparison.  I'm not sure that would actually help though. 

Sleep.. ah sleep.  Today was good, I had two 3 hour naps.  Dh is sleeping right now.  My mom comes over at night to let me nap for three hours.  She also brings provisions and a welcome distraction.  Our house is a mess and it keeps getting worse.  I haven't checked the mail since a week before we left to deliver because I was so stressed about the delivery.  I'm afraid to see how full our box is.  Perhaps this morning I'll walk down to check it. 

I'll post some pics of Andy as soon as his jaundice is completely gone, which should be soon.  Thanks to all who have stopped by to comment, especially those offering breastfeeding advice.

Monica and Andy (who is starting to put his weight back on!!  He was born weighing 8lbs 5 oz but then dropped to 7lbs 6 oz.  He's now at 7lbs 10 oz)

He's here!

Sorry this took so long.. it has been crazy around here!

Andrew (Andy) made his arrival at 4:44 pm Oct. 1st and we couldn't be prouder!  I arrived at 7AM to be induced and after all the paperwork, meds, and visit by my OB, things got started around 9AM.  I progressed quickly and at 3:45 PM was 10 cm dilated.  However, no one was there because I wasn't expected to progress to 10cm until "dinner time" (yes, that was my OB vague prediction).  So I was allowed to wait until mom, mil, and sil arrived (mil and sil are mom-in-law and sister-in-law for the non-bloggers).  I began to push around 4:15 and he arrived at 4:44.  Everything was perfect. Matthew cut the cord.   If I had never lost Jimmy and this was my only experience of labor and delivery, I would think it was the easiest thing in the world. 

So, for the stat line:  8lbs 5 oz and 20 inches long.  He was induced at 38 weeks and 3 days so he probably would have been 9lbs at term.  YIKES!!   His eyes are a dark blue/gray and his hair is fair.  DH and I both have dark brown hair so in my best Ricky Ricardo voice, "I've got some splaining to do". 

After birth he did need to have some fluid removed from his stomach with a tube inserted down his throat, but that was about it.  Since then, things have been more challenging.  I happened to deliver during the time when ALL lactation consultants at the hospital were at a conference.  For three days.  So my nipples look like something from a horror movie.  In fact, the lactation consultant we visited today was pretty impressed by the "damage".  Since I received very little breastfeeding support in the hospital, we have to supplement now until my milk comes in (which should be any moment).  Andy lost more than ten percent of his weight (he was at 7 lbs 6 oz today at his pediatrician visit), had low blood sugar and is jaundiced.  We went to my pediatrician today for a follow-up on the jaundice and it had gotten worse since we left the hospital so a light bed was delivered to my house and he is on that.  We go back to the pediatrician tomorrow for another blood draw to measure bilirubin levels to see if he needs to stay on the bed for the weekend.   I'm continuing to breastfeed as painful  as it is, as well as pumping and supplementing.  What Andy needs is lots of food and quickly.   Despite these challenges, I feel so lucky and blessed to have him.    I have a pic of him before the jaundice became too bad and  a pic of him on his  "bili bed".  What is not visible is the blue flourescent light that glows from the bed.  He kinda likes it.

I'd like to thank all the people who came to visit me in the hospital bringing flowers and such, it was wonderful.  I'd really love to thank my support group "crew" because I know it was hard to go into a hospital (not to mention the labor/delivery ward) and see a happy mother holding her child; the very thing they have not had the chance to experience.  It meant so much to me and I can't wait to return the favor for them. 

Monica and Andy (who looks just like Jimmy!)