A pain I know

Yesterday I had an OB visit and a BPP (bio physical profile).  A BPP assesses fetal well being.  On the way in the building a couple was leaving.  She wore a grey sleeveless dress and designer sunglasses.  He wore a navy shirt with blue jeans.  As I approached she reached for his hand and grabbed it tightly.  The veins on her forearm were visible.  Neither her nor her husband made eye-contact with me as we brushed each other on the sidewalk.  I knew what had just happened.  She didn't need to tell me.  As she walked past me I turned around.  I felt so helpless.  I wanted to follow her into the parking lot and tell her, "I know how you feel".  I wanted to put my arms around both of them.  I wanted to cry with them.  Although there are several other medical offices in the building that houses my OB, I knew what happened to that woman.  I knew because I recognized the pain in her face.  Her eyes were covered, yet it was there, writ large.  Why didn't I say anything?  As I watched the couple walk out into the parking lot I said a prayer for them.  A prayer to a God that I have trouble believing in.  Lord, please help this couple through this difficult time.  Send comfort to them in the form of caring people.  Help them to find closeness with their child.  Please do for them what I was unable to do.

Monica

Comments

[slouching mom]

Oh. So sad. So very sad.

[DD]

Thank you, Monica. That couple could have been us. It could be any couple I know who has suffered a loss.

[Monica H]

It breaks my heart that this happens everyday and there isn't anything we can do. I wish I could take their pain away. I feel like we've suffered enough and others shouldn't have to endure that. I will say a prayer for them tonight.

[niobe]

I'm not sure if you actually considered speaking to the couple, but, if you had, it's hard to know whether it would have comforted them or caused them more pain.

A few weeks after I lost the twins, a stranger, after overhearing me talking on my cell phone, came up to me, put her hand on my arm, and told me that she was sorry and that she understood how I felt, because she had lost a child years before. She asked if I wanted to talk or if there was anything she could do for me.

I know she meant well, but at the time I resented her for adding to my already heavy burden. I just couldn't face someone else who had lost a child. I was already staggering under the weight of my own grief. I felt that taking on even the tiniest fraction of her long-ago grief would crush me entirely.

[Beruriah]

When I've seen scenes like this at the ob's or seen women look away from me quickly, I've just wanted to fade away. I hate being such a visual trigger for others hurting so badly. I remember too well. I don't just remember, actually, I'm still there.

I too hope they will find caring people and closeness with their child. Although I have little faith in G-d directly helping them to do that.

[Jenn (froggy-mom)]

That poor couple.

[Monica]

Niobe,

I completely understand, which is why I did not approach them. I certainly would not have wanted to cause them more grief. On the other hand, I felt so helpless. I never wanted to be, "that pregnant woman" that they saw on the way out of the OB's office. I felt I needed to do something, so I threw up a prayer and hoped someone, something, some force that has some power in this universe to take mercy on them.

[Kristi]

So heart-breaking.

[furrow]

Dear G-d. I hope there's a G-d. But if there is, I just want to punch it. I want it to make me and you and that couple understand why, why, why. Or is it better that there be no "why"? I hope they find some peace, sometime.

[Jenny W.]

How sad. It's hard to feel so helpless!

[Lori]

So Monica, it's been a whole 4 days since I've cried and reading your blog made me start crying. Reminds me of the time right after I lost Logan and there were pregnant women everywhere. Now, I'm one of those pregnant women. It makes me want to wear a shirt that says I've lost a baby, I know how it feels. It's so depressing that people have to go through such pain.

[Michelle Z]

First time visitor, really great site. Very real.

We lost one of our twins 4 months ago, at full term.

It's just nice not to be alone, sometimes. I wouldn't wish the loss of a child on anyone, but glad to know I'm not totally crazy when I really dislike pregnant women I don't even know.